Category Archives: Uncategorized

World’s Most Photographed Man Tells All

  Greetings, Tourists! After three years, it is time to formally introduce myself. You know me already, of course — or parts of me. The visor of my BKYN baseball cap, say. Or my slightly slumped right shoulder. Or my cool Impulse! t-shirt that I sometimes wear on Fridays, featuring the logo of a defunct…   READ MORE

Donald Trump’s Fables

The Snake and the Rat A blind snake and a blind rat ran into each other. Neither animal was sure of its own identity. “How about you examine me, and I’ll examine you? And then we’ll figure out who we are,” said the snake. So the rat felt the snake. He said, “Well, you are…   READ MORE

The Dance Moves of Clarence Thomas: An Oral History

“Acting like he was bending over and picking up a handkerchief off the ground was his signature dance move.”  — Retired federal prosecutor Lillian McEwen discussing former beau and Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. NY Post, April 17, 2016 “Signature dance move? Clarence Thomas? You know it was an all-boys Catholic high school, right? Maybe leaning…   READ MORE

Apple’s Shocking New Device? Meet the iCross

A groundbreaking tech product dubbed the iCross is under development, according to a stunning, recently discovered “confidential” memo. The top secret letter — addressed to a man named Tim from a man named Phil — details research on “the SmartCross Project,” which is dedicated to determining the “product-market fit of the iCross,” a crucifix-like object…   READ MORE

SPECS FOR MY NEW “KIMBRACEABLE©®™” APP

Hey Bestie! The season of giving and sharing may be over. But here in L.A., the season for over sharing never ends, Am I right? So I wanted to show you my new micro-personalized app that is going to be free and mega:  “KIMBRACEABLE”©®™” My mom suggested it. And even though she’s a total nightmare sometimes,…   READ MORE

The Vegas Line on the Upcoming Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice Movie

Before Opening Day: Odds your girlfriend or wife wants to see the film opening weekend: 6-1 Odds your boyfriend or husband wants to see it opening weekend: 7-5 Odds the screening you want to see will be sold out: 4-1 Odds the IT department at work will be short-staffed on opening day: No Bets Accepted…   READ MORE

I Was Charles Bukowski’s Life Coach

1969 A grizzled man comes in. He reeks of booze. Calls me a con man bullshitter snake oil scumbag. He says he works at the post office but he wants to be a writer. You can be anything you want to be! I say. Are you out of your mind? You can, I insist. But…   READ MORE

My Safe Words List

“Choose a word, Ana.” Oh . . . “A safe word,” he says softly. “Popsicle.” I say, panting. – Fifty Shades Freed Most people have positive associations with popsicles. Popsicle isn’t a “stop” word, it’s a “go” word, like ice cream, basketball, bicycle or kangaroo. Everyone loves popsicles; it’s not a word you associate with…   READ MORE

Philosophy Questions For DJs

What is your personal party anthem? At what point can the party be considered started? What is house? Can a great song, like “Uptown Funk” or “Good Times,” subvert free will? Is there a perfect Beats-Per-Minute number? Is getting your freak on a key to personal fulfillment? If you rocked the mic but nobody was…   READ MORE