The Snake and the Rat
A blind snake and a blind rat ran into each other. Neither animal was sure of its own identity.
“How about you examine me, and I’ll examine you? And then we’ll figure out who we are,” said the snake.
So the rat felt the snake. He said, “Well, you are cold and slimy and you hiss a lot. And you have a strange round metallic thing sticking into your skin.”
“That’s a “Trump for President” button.”
“Oh!” said the rat, “I have one of those, too! Here, feel me.”
So the snake felt the rat, and said: “You have tiny feet and whiskers and very sharp teeth that would probably grow straight through your brain if you didn’t gnaw on wood and metal all the time.”
“I know what you are!” said the rat.
“I know what you are, too!” said the snake.
Then in unison they cried: “YOU’RE A RACIST PIECE OF SHIT!”
Moral: Despite our vast differences, Trump unites.
The Sagely Driving Instructor
Once there was a Florida driving instructor with severe ADHD. His condition was so severe that when he had to teach the 5-hour long driver safety class, he couldn’t do it.
15 minutes into the course, he threw up his hands and said, “I can’t take this anymore! Let me ask you guys one simple question. This will be our whole lesson, and then I’ll sign all your sheets, okay?”
The students all nodded in agreement.
“Okay: It is safer to drive faster or slower?”
One by one, the students each said, “slower.”
When the last student was finished, the sagely instructor said, “Morons! You are all TOTALLY wrong!”
The class laughed nervously.
“Let me explain this in terms of basic logic, okay? It’s going to so simple, even my ex-wives could understand it. True or false: the slower you go, the longer you are on the road?”
“True,” said the class.
“True or false: the longer you are on the road — the more you drive — the greater the chance of an accident.”
“True,” said the class.
“So,” continued the instructor with pompous, arrogant certainty, “It follows that going faster is actually safer because you will be on the road for less time, therefore reducing the likelihood you will have an accident!”
Then he led the class in a raucous chant of “FASTER IS SAFER!” while signing attendance forms and high-fiving his students, some of whom eventually died in head-on collisions.
Moral: Being a reckless asshole is totally okay as long as you are sure of yourself.
The Candidate & the Advisors
The presidential candidate realized he needed a big vision to win the election. Something that would knock the socks off of voters and make America the greatest ever — and shut up the truth-loving, limp-wristed, book-reading losers in the media.
So he called in his advisors. “We need something really great. I mean, so great that it will be the greatest. I want proposals tomorrow first thing.”
The next morning the candidate listened to the ideas.
“Build a wall around all our airports,” said one advisor.
“We’ve already floated a wall,” said the candidate. “So lame. Are you working for the other team?”
“Launch a reality show on C-SPAN about accountants spotting the biggest loopholes,” said a fat advisor from New Jersey.
“Great for C-Span, not for me.”
“Make American automobile purchases completely tax deductible!” said a third idea man.
“Not bad. But since I don’t pay taxes, someone has to. Any more ideas?”
The room filled with the embarrassed silence of failure.
“Listen,” said the candidate, “the Chinese just launched another satellite. Those little laundry wizards are beating us in outer space. We used to own space, so that’s not great. In fact, it is really ungreat. So I thought of something huge.”
“What is it, boss?” said all the advisors, eager to hear their leader’s visionary idea.
“We are going to start a NASA program to go to sun! If we can harness its power, we solve all the world’s problems. Is that great, or what?”
“Awesome,” said the fat advisor. “But how can we land there without burning up?”
“Easy,” said the candidate, stunning his advisors with his brilliance. “We’re gonna go at night!”
Moral: Think small, be small. But think huge, and maybe people won’t notice you’re a total idiot.